Chris emailed me this tonight. It was his last entry before leaving Panama. I read over his words and I find myself both deeply moved by his courage and yet simultaneously in denial that this is indeed now my brother's world. I close my eyes and want nothing more then to hold him close to my heart and somehow, magically, miraculously, make everything okay. I can't write big checks, or even be in town to take him to his doctor's appointments, all I can do is pray for him and let him know that I believe in him, and that I love him. That I have always loved him. That he is strong. That he is special. That he is my brother and that I am his sister and that somehow, somehow, that will be enough.
Chris writes:
"Last week. Fourth quarter. Gotta finish strong here. Hopefully no mishaps. Get all my injections, stay healthy and get the hell outta dodge. Lol. Monday got my intrathecal. The injection was the last of the umbilical cord injections. You wouldn't believe how Many people from the states come to Panama. All spinal cord injuries. Met a whole new wave of people. Exchanged emails with a bunch. Everybody I talk to is so nice and friendly. It's crazy how bad things happen to good people. Everybody has some story of how they ended up in a wheelchair. And it's usually some freak accident. Some people here were just working. Some for sporting events. Some a car accident. I have yet to hear someone say I was robbing a bank and got shot or something of that nature. My point is all these people I meet in wheelchairs are good hearted people. Bad things happen to good people. It's unexplainable. Period. Everybody I talk to gets excited for me because of the time of injury to the time of my injections. It was three and a half months when I started my treatments from the time of my injury. They say things like I can't believe you were home in seven weeks. Everybody I talk to seems to had 6-12 months and one kid had 2 years in the hospital and rehab. I hang on to this. The earlier the injection the better results. Floats through my mind all day. One of the doctors at the clinic told me that they are very excited about my case and that they will be closely watching me. I like to hear that. Monday night I had that pain in my side again. Called the doctor. He came right to our apartment. He gave me a shot of a pain killer. The next day i felt good. How bout that for service. I just have PT on Tuesday. I couldnt focus for that hour. There were people around me training. Benching, curling, just excercing. Sweating and joking with people in the gym. listening to headphones. That was me. That's what I used to do. . I just wanted to trade shoes with them. Why me??? I wanna work out like that. I miss all that. Instead I'm stuck in this rotten chair. It was a bad hour. My PT kept asking what was wrong. It must have been written all over my face I was totally miserable. I just sucked it up and got through the hour. Usually about this time of year we are sitting on the beach. I hate to think of this. Another one of my favorite things. I always planned a summer vacation to the beach. Not this year. I don't even like to see pictures of when we took the boys to the ocean. It just makes me sad. I miss that this year. I miss it so much. Laying in the sand with the kids. Letting them bury me up to my neck in sand. They always got a kick out of that. I love the ocean. maybe next year who knows. I got a two year journey on my hands. Two years to try to walk again. Wednesday I got my first bone marrow IV and intrathecal injections. I joked with the doctors about the size of the syringe. It was like five times the amount of the umbilical. When we left my legs just burned and tingled for hours. My back was sore for hours. All good signs. Pretty crazy how pain is good in this case. I'm feeling below my line of injury a little. And when I rub my knee caps i get a faint sensation deep in my knees. No sensory touch just a deep sensation. So hard to explain what your body is doing. One thing I noticed and probably the most significant change. I have better circulation in my legs. At the end of the day my ankles look normal. Every day since my injury whether I had Ted hose on or not, at night my ankles and calfs looked double the size. Swelled as far as they can possibly be stretched. They have looked perfect every night. Knock on wood. It's hard to talk about this stuff. I feel like I'm jinxing myself. Lol. Small improvements. I want something big. I wanna move my legs. I wanna pick my foot up and move it. Everyone in a chair down here wants that big gain. Doctors say only 20 percent of the patients have movement or significant progress this early. The rest take a few months. Only time will tell. We definitely left our mark in Panama. People at the clinic just swarm us when we walk in. When we Go to the gym its the same. People just love to talk to Us. It's amazing. Jen and frank make lunch and dinner plans with everyone they meet. They are such giving people. So generous. Constantly buying drinks for workers and drivers. It's comical. One driver screamed out the window to jen, "Coca Cola please!" Jens like the waitress when we walk out the gym. Not only does she buy , she delivers.lol I like to joke and laugh with the workers at the clinic. The workers at the clinic are so friendly. I will miss them. I will miss a lot of things from this place. I'm gonna miss my PT Lou vina. Cripe I'm gonna miss our driver Pedro. We exchanged phone numbers. That ought to be an interesting phone call. He doesn't know any English. Lol.. We have met so many good people. So many new friends. Heading back to the states!"
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