Here is a blog post in my brother's own words. Chris has an extraordinary will and his courage reminds me every day that I too must be courageous and live my life to the fullest. It is hard to know what to say or do sometimes for someone special when they have survived such tragedy. I will simply say that I love him, that I believe in him.
Today is 6 months since my injury. It's amazing how i can have days where i wanna give up. I had to go to the hospital to get a bunch of testing done. I went on my own for blood work, X-rays, plus they wanted an ultrasound of my kidneys or something of that nature. I had the worst pain in my kidney on my right side. It's good that i feel pain below my level of injury. I'm a T6 Asia A complete. I think if I did the Asia test again it would be different. I feel lower on my right side of my back. I just was sick for two days. Everyone left for school and work and i laid in bed sick about my life. Just thinking how in the hell did this happen to me. When i don't feel good i get bummed out. Just couldn't get out of bed. Jen called and forced me out of bed. I was in so much pain all day. My buddy Carlo helped me into the barber shop to get a cut and then we went to look at golf carts and ATV buggies. Helped keep my mind of the pain and by the end of the day i felt better. That night was bad. Nobody on earth knows what its like unless your in a wheelchair yourself. When my boys walk in my room i hide my face cause i don't want them to see me upset. Their lives seem to have went back to normal or at least as close to normal before march 3. Last year they called me all day at rehab from school crying everyday. We were driving home after the first day of school. Christopher got in the back seat behind me,reached over the seat, wrapped his arms around me and told me in a crackling voice he missed me and worried about me all day. I told him i loved him and to relax and worry about school and reassured him I'm fine. I saw a man at the rehab center all dressed up to a T. Tie,dress shoes and some type of laptop or notebook on his lap talking to another patient in a wheelchair. The guy seemed like a salesman. He was also in a wheelchair. Just felt like i was looking at myself 15 years from now. God i felt terrible going to my car. Just brought me to reality. The reality that i might never walk again. We have been working endlessly on the basement. Its almost complete. I have a walk in closet in the back room which still needs to be organized. Most of what i did and loved to do in my life is in that closet. Hunting clothes and equipment. Shoes and boots. Memories from college and high school. Its hard to see that stuff. Believe me its hard to see things like that. It hurts. Makes me miss that guy. Its like that person is gone. Just starts the roller coaster of thoughts in my head. Just a bad few days period! I think i snapped out my rut. Spent the next day outside with the boys. They where riding the quad all day. Friends and family where spreading seed and straw in the yard. Even my boys where carrying bales of straw and sacks of seed. What a pleasure to watch them grow. I just stare at them. They make me happy. I love to hear their witty comments and conversations with everyone while they work. Some of the stuff Braden says is so funny. When days are bad a good days usually around the bend. I'm a few weeks away from getting fitted for braces to walk. My standing times are 20 minutes and i feel good after the 20. I could go longer but my therapist says 20 is good. He did a re-evaluation on me for insurance purposes i guess. He was holding my left leg and telling me to flex and kick outward several times. He said he feels my muscles flexing. When i try to flex my left leg i can get my quad and calf to move. Not on demand all the time. Sometimes delayed. Its not a huge movement its just a small flex. Just a few little changes.But we talked and came to the conclusion that i could have some regeneration starting. I let the Doctor's in Panama know about all this and I'm going back for more stem cells. Flights and rooms are booked. Round 2. Only two weeks this time. I just have too be thankful I'm alive and keep working towards walking.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
On the Road Again: New Blog in my brother's own words~!
It's been a month and so many great things are happening. Before I left Panama I was having a tingling sensation in my left knee when I would rub it. When I would get goosebumps on that leg I can slightly feel the sensation. I can feel the hair stand up on my legs. It's not a overwhelming sensation but I can somewhat sense those feelings. I also have a few spots on my back where I can feel below my injury level. When I have someone rub their fingers on the titanium rods in my back I can feel it from the top to bottom.
My core strength since panama has increased. When I was in driver’s training before I left for Panama anytime I made a sharp left turn I would end up laying on the training instructor. It was funny every time I turned left he would hold me up. I spent the rest of the session trying to get home with only right turns. He prescribed me a chest strap at the time. I finished my driver’s training the week after I came home from Panama. I did a full week three hour a day. I was dreading it but I knew I would have my license at the end of the week so I sucked it up and did what I had to do. My instructor was cool and we just talked about everything imaginable. I picked up the controls quickly. While we were driving and turning the instructor told me he's canceling the chest strap because I didn’t need it. I didnt even realize that I was able to stay upright regardless of turns. It was then I realized my core was really strengthening. I could never put both hands straight out in front of me without toppling over while sitting in my wheelchair. I can do this with ease now.
We drove to Johnstown on Thursday to the DMV. I took my test like I was 16 again and I got my wheels back that day. We went and had lunch at Chili’s to celebrate my accomplishment. Lol. So many things have been better since I have been home. The elevator was finished so I could access my whole house. I slept in my bed for the first time in five months. I showered in my own shower for the first time in five months. I was sleeping in a hospital bed in my living room and showering at my brother –in- laws since I left rehab. My basement is almost finished.
My friends and family put a fully accessible shower and completely finished all my unfinished work. I'm happy to have it all done but it leaves bad memories of the day I was injured. I had the whole basement framed,wired, and insulated. I devoted all my spare time in January and February. March 3rd I brought all the insulation out to the fire pit. Figured I would cut a few dead trees to keep the pile burning and that’s when a tree collapsed on me. The less I think about all that the better off I am. I'm not allowed to think negatively! If I do my wife and kids made up this cute little tune. They call me negative Nancy and sing this little short song about being negative. It's hilarious. I have yet not to laugh when they sing.
My boys have adjusted well to everything. Chris would worry about me a little more than Braden. I tell him that I'm tough and nothing bothers me. He likes to hear that. I think I put his mind at ease. They both have a heart of gold. My 8 year old cooks me over easy eggs for breakfast! Then he screams to me to get down here before they get cold!! Talk about role reversal.
My oldest makes me omelets and toast. Anytime i need to use the elevator Braden runs and wants to ride. He asks me In a real professional voice,"What floor sir?" He is 8 going on 16.
Everything is falling back into place. As close as it's ever gonna get before all this mess. I had my brother clean out my shed. When they modified my garage anything in the garage was brought to the shed. I could only make it halfway to my shed. My yard is like a war zone. Don’t get my yard put in till next month. I sat there while my brother held up stuff and told him where it went. He found all the clothing I was wearing that the paramedics cut off of me the day off my injury. Even the shoes I was wearing. I told him to throw it all away. I did not want to see that. Bad memories. I went back in the house.
I was in a bit of a rut for about a week or two as soon as I got home from Panama. Because I was in the hospital before I left for Panama I needed all new scripts from my doctors. I sat around and did nothing for a week. That is the worst thing on earth to do. You can't quit. You feel like you want to quit about 3/4 of the time but you cannot. Jen got me moving again. She said," I don't understand you. You killed yourself for the Arnold Classic. You killed yourself to build both houses. You worked so hard training for that alumni football game. But now that your life is on the line you want to quit. I don't understand you." I started training that day with my buddy at a local gym. Jen was right for ONCE! Lol. I need motivated sometimes.
I'm now transferring into my jeep Cherokee. I have been driving to therapy in Harmerville and driving home. I don't get fatigued as easy as I used too. I have been using the stem bike and standing frame at therapy. We met with the therapist when I got back from Panama and told him I need more aggressive therapy than I was getting prior to leaving for Panama. He told me I need scripts to release me from my doctors at Mercy. In Panama you don’t need anything. It's a free for all. In our country you need a script for everything. We got the scripts and therapy is going good. I had my best therapy session yesterday. I stood for double the time of my previous times. And I worked harder than ever. I actually broke a sweat. Felt like a true trip to the gym.
The next day I laid in bed till about noon cause I was exhausted from therapy. I'm going on my own next trip to therapy. A true accomplishment for me. It's only been 5 months. I have bad days. The good days are outweighing the bad. Driving has drastically changed my moods. I drive and forget about everything. It makes you feel normal. I even pull my chair in and out of the car on my own. I pretty much do everything on my own. My therapist and I discussed braces to start walking in a month. My strength and ability to stand in the frame is increasing. Good things on the horizon!!!!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Panama: Last Entry Before Departure
Chris emailed me this tonight. It was his last entry before leaving Panama. I read over his words and I find myself both deeply moved by his courage and yet simultaneously in denial that this is indeed now my brother's world. I close my eyes and want nothing more then to hold him close to my heart and somehow, magically, miraculously, make everything okay. I can't write big checks, or even be in town to take him to his doctor's appointments, all I can do is pray for him and let him know that I believe in him, and that I love him. That I have always loved him. That he is strong. That he is special. That he is my brother and that I am his sister and that somehow, somehow, that will be enough.
Chris writes:
"Last week. Fourth quarter. Gotta finish strong here. Hopefully no mishaps. Get all my injections, stay healthy and get the hell outta dodge. Lol. Monday got my intrathecal. The injection was the last of the umbilical cord injections. You wouldn't believe how Many people from the states come to Panama. All spinal cord injuries. Met a whole new wave of people. Exchanged emails with a bunch. Everybody I talk to is so nice and friendly. It's crazy how bad things happen to good people. Everybody has some story of how they ended up in a wheelchair. And it's usually some freak accident. Some people here were just working. Some for sporting events. Some a car accident. I have yet to hear someone say I was robbing a bank and got shot or something of that nature. My point is all these people I meet in wheelchairs are good hearted people. Bad things happen to good people. It's unexplainable. Period. Everybody I talk to gets excited for me because of the time of injury to the time of my injections. It was three and a half months when I started my treatments from the time of my injury. They say things like I can't believe you were home in seven weeks. Everybody I talk to seems to had 6-12 months and one kid had 2 years in the hospital and rehab. I hang on to this. The earlier the injection the better results. Floats through my mind all day. One of the doctors at the clinic told me that they are very excited about my case and that they will be closely watching me. I like to hear that. Monday night I had that pain in my side again. Called the doctor. He came right to our apartment. He gave me a shot of a pain killer. The next day i felt good. How bout that for service. I just have PT on Tuesday. I couldnt focus for that hour. There were people around me training. Benching, curling, just excercing. Sweating and joking with people in the gym. listening to headphones. That was me. That's what I used to do. . I just wanted to trade shoes with them. Why me??? I wanna work out like that. I miss all that. Instead I'm stuck in this rotten chair. It was a bad hour. My PT kept asking what was wrong. It must have been written all over my face I was totally miserable. I just sucked it up and got through the hour. Usually about this time of year we are sitting on the beach. I hate to think of this. Another one of my favorite things. I always planned a summer vacation to the beach. Not this year. I don't even like to see pictures of when we took the boys to the ocean. It just makes me sad. I miss that this year. I miss it so much. Laying in the sand with the kids. Letting them bury me up to my neck in sand. They always got a kick out of that. I love the ocean. maybe next year who knows. I got a two year journey on my hands. Two years to try to walk again. Wednesday I got my first bone marrow IV and intrathecal injections. I joked with the doctors about the size of the syringe. It was like five times the amount of the umbilical. When we left my legs just burned and tingled for hours. My back was sore for hours. All good signs. Pretty crazy how pain is good in this case. I'm feeling below my line of injury a little. And when I rub my knee caps i get a faint sensation deep in my knees. No sensory touch just a deep sensation. So hard to explain what your body is doing. One thing I noticed and probably the most significant change. I have better circulation in my legs. At the end of the day my ankles look normal. Every day since my injury whether I had Ted hose on or not, at night my ankles and calfs looked double the size. Swelled as far as they can possibly be stretched. They have looked perfect every night. Knock on wood. It's hard to talk about this stuff. I feel like I'm jinxing myself. Lol. Small improvements. I want something big. I wanna move my legs. I wanna pick my foot up and move it. Everyone in a chair down here wants that big gain. Doctors say only 20 percent of the patients have movement or significant progress this early. The rest take a few months. Only time will tell. We definitely left our mark in Panama. People at the clinic just swarm us when we walk in. When we Go to the gym its the same. People just love to talk to Us. It's amazing. Jen and frank make lunch and dinner plans with everyone they meet. They are such giving people. So generous. Constantly buying drinks for workers and drivers. It's comical. One driver screamed out the window to jen, "Coca Cola please!" Jens like the waitress when we walk out the gym. Not only does she buy , she delivers.lol I like to joke and laugh with the workers at the clinic. The workers at the clinic are so friendly. I will miss them. I will miss a lot of things from this place. I'm gonna miss my PT Lou vina. Cripe I'm gonna miss our driver Pedro. We exchanged phone numbers. That ought to be an interesting phone call. He doesn't know any English. Lol.. We have met so many good people. So many new friends. Heading back to the states!"
Chris writes:
"Last week. Fourth quarter. Gotta finish strong here. Hopefully no mishaps. Get all my injections, stay healthy and get the hell outta dodge. Lol. Monday got my intrathecal. The injection was the last of the umbilical cord injections. You wouldn't believe how Many people from the states come to Panama. All spinal cord injuries. Met a whole new wave of people. Exchanged emails with a bunch. Everybody I talk to is so nice and friendly. It's crazy how bad things happen to good people. Everybody has some story of how they ended up in a wheelchair. And it's usually some freak accident. Some people here were just working. Some for sporting events. Some a car accident. I have yet to hear someone say I was robbing a bank and got shot or something of that nature. My point is all these people I meet in wheelchairs are good hearted people. Bad things happen to good people. It's unexplainable. Period. Everybody I talk to gets excited for me because of the time of injury to the time of my injections. It was three and a half months when I started my treatments from the time of my injury. They say things like I can't believe you were home in seven weeks. Everybody I talk to seems to had 6-12 months and one kid had 2 years in the hospital and rehab. I hang on to this. The earlier the injection the better results. Floats through my mind all day. One of the doctors at the clinic told me that they are very excited about my case and that they will be closely watching me. I like to hear that. Monday night I had that pain in my side again. Called the doctor. He came right to our apartment. He gave me a shot of a pain killer. The next day i felt good. How bout that for service. I just have PT on Tuesday. I couldnt focus for that hour. There were people around me training. Benching, curling, just excercing. Sweating and joking with people in the gym. listening to headphones. That was me. That's what I used to do. . I just wanted to trade shoes with them. Why me??? I wanna work out like that. I miss all that. Instead I'm stuck in this rotten chair. It was a bad hour. My PT kept asking what was wrong. It must have been written all over my face I was totally miserable. I just sucked it up and got through the hour. Usually about this time of year we are sitting on the beach. I hate to think of this. Another one of my favorite things. I always planned a summer vacation to the beach. Not this year. I don't even like to see pictures of when we took the boys to the ocean. It just makes me sad. I miss that this year. I miss it so much. Laying in the sand with the kids. Letting them bury me up to my neck in sand. They always got a kick out of that. I love the ocean. maybe next year who knows. I got a two year journey on my hands. Two years to try to walk again. Wednesday I got my first bone marrow IV and intrathecal injections. I joked with the doctors about the size of the syringe. It was like five times the amount of the umbilical. When we left my legs just burned and tingled for hours. My back was sore for hours. All good signs. Pretty crazy how pain is good in this case. I'm feeling below my line of injury a little. And when I rub my knee caps i get a faint sensation deep in my knees. No sensory touch just a deep sensation. So hard to explain what your body is doing. One thing I noticed and probably the most significant change. I have better circulation in my legs. At the end of the day my ankles look normal. Every day since my injury whether I had Ted hose on or not, at night my ankles and calfs looked double the size. Swelled as far as they can possibly be stretched. They have looked perfect every night. Knock on wood. It's hard to talk about this stuff. I feel like I'm jinxing myself. Lol. Small improvements. I want something big. I wanna move my legs. I wanna pick my foot up and move it. Everyone in a chair down here wants that big gain. Doctors say only 20 percent of the patients have movement or significant progress this early. The rest take a few months. Only time will tell. We definitely left our mark in Panama. People at the clinic just swarm us when we walk in. When we Go to the gym its the same. People just love to talk to Us. It's amazing. Jen and frank make lunch and dinner plans with everyone they meet. They are such giving people. So generous. Constantly buying drinks for workers and drivers. It's comical. One driver screamed out the window to jen, "Coca Cola please!" Jens like the waitress when we walk out the gym. Not only does she buy , she delivers.lol I like to joke and laugh with the workers at the clinic. The workers at the clinic are so friendly. I will miss them. I will miss a lot of things from this place. I'm gonna miss my PT Lou vina. Cripe I'm gonna miss our driver Pedro. We exchanged phone numbers. That ought to be an interesting phone call. He doesn't know any English. Lol.. We have met so many good people. So many new friends. Heading back to the states!"
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Panama: July 12, 2011
Chris will be home in a few days. I can hardly wait. Here's a glimpse at what he has been doing, how he is feeling and what he is hoping for...
"Sat and Sunday were bad. I had a pain in my right side of my stomach. More of a discomfort than pain. Just made me miserable all day. Protocol the same all week IV and Intrathecal. Monday and Wednesday. Doctors said that patients have complained of that discomfort. So I guess I am fine. Wednesday night I had a terrible pain in my back. I showed my PT Lou Vina and she said it is my ribs. I know I broke a few ribs the day of my accident. She iced them down and I'm feeling better. I think my line of sensation is dropping a little. Nothing to get excited about yet. I need to feel something totally different to be for sure. But feeling those ribs could be something or maybe PT is just beating me up. Lol. I have been bummed out this week. I don't know why. Struggling to get out of bed. Jen and I struggled a little all week. People do not realize behind the scenes what someone in a wheelchair goes through. So much care. I know Jen gets worn out and frustrated. Constant maintenance. It's hard. It's gonna take time to figure all this out. I need constant reminders that I should be thankful that I am as mobile as I am. I met a kid from Philly. He's a quadriplegic. Swimming accident he's 21. He smiles all the time and he can barely move his arms. I pat him on the shoulder and tell him good luck every time I see him. He's flying out this weekend.
Another woman from the states was shot by her husband. She's a quad too. Bullet hit her spinal cord. Unbelievable. So sad. She has a five year old daughter. I heard she picked up her arm for the first time since her accident. We were so pleased to hear that news. I take a step back and take inventory when I see people worse off than my injury.. I admire their courage. I hope they get the progress they came to panama for. My life is hard. Their lives require more care and are harder than mine. I think when that tree collapsed if I was a little slower I could of been killed or had a worse injury. Both of these people are here with friends and neighbors to care for them. Not even family. God bless those people. Free ticket to heaven even if they never step foot in a church ever again.
I look around at my situation and think of the friends and family I have and I am a lucky man. I am truly blessed. I won't ever take that for granted. Went to the mall. It is about 5 times bigger than any mall back home. It's funny all these stores. Reebok, Nike, Mcdonalds, Under Armor. Jennifer Lopez blasting through out these places. Restaurants we eat at got English all over the menu. Chicken,steak, fish. Iced tea, beer. English period. Tell the cashier you want a Big Mac and she is lost in the sauce. Looks at you like your crazy. It's funny. I ordered a chicken pita at this place. The menu says chicken pita. I just said what the menu said. She was lost. I had to pull the menu out and point. Seriously. Jen had a ball at the mall. Mostly everything costs less than back home. I needed to get out of that place. Too many people. Thousands of people everywhere. Like cattle running wild. I just wanted to ditch the chair and walk around. Frustrating. Felt like every eye was on me. Took a trip to the casino. Just pushed around a while. I was just bummed. I wanted to walk around. Play some slots. Have a beer or two. Relax and enjoy life. I haven't had a sip of alcohol since my accident. I don't even want it. I didn't drink much up to getting hurt anyways. We all played in that alumni football game together. It was a great experience. Competed a year ago at the Arnold Classic. I got everything out of my system. I was just switching gears when this happened to me. I was finally slowing down. I played hard for years. I was finally content with everything jen and I made around us. I was at peace in my life. Not too Many people can say that and mean it. I was gonna maybe get a boat. Take the boys fishing. Buy a little camp or trailer on a lake. Spend weekends with jen and the boys. Just slow everything around me down. The boys are growing up fast. People tell me you can still do that. Yea I probably can. I don't want it that way. I feel like I got cut short in life. I hope in time everything changes for the better. I have been receiving umbilical cord injections and IV injections for 3 weeks. My last week will be my own bone marrow. They flood your system with your own stem cells. Im excited to get through this. I gotta continue hard therapy at home. I stood about 10 times at therapy. Filled an hour up of up and down. Felt good. One time I stood up so straight and tall. I forgot how tall I was. Men and women are short in panama. I felt like a giant. Im only 6'2". Jen just looked at me and cried. It's a balance point. Someone locking your knees. Someone locking your hips. And up you go. I'm gonna work on braces and a walker when I get home. I put a pic on Facebook. God it looked natural. My last time standing hurt a little in my back. I dropped my head and was catching my breath. My PT looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I told her that it takes a lot of energy to stand. She told me that I'm her boy. Her English is broken but understandable. She said "everything I tell u to do chris, u do. No questions. Be proud. Other patients cannot do what you do and they have been in chair for long time.". Nothing like a compliment to perk ya up.. Lol that voice of hers will ring forever in my head. Her wording too. She taught jen and frank how to get me on my feet. She said " no no no chris jennifer is too small to control your hips.". I looked at Lou Vina and said," trust me Jenny can do this, she's stronger than u think." you have to grab the back of my boxers and pull to get me up. Keep my hips in line while I'm up. I told my PT that all this is is a super wedgie where I'm from and jen can handle this. She said'"what is wedgie.". We laughed as I explained what a wedgie is. She just laughs at me. She has been putting a tens unit on my quads to get them to flex. Try to keep my muscle mass. The little pads won't stick to my legs. My legs are hairy. She told me to shave 2 squares on each leg. I thought she was joking. I didn't do it and the next day was hot for a second or two. I told her that I would look silly with four white shaved patches on my legs. She laughed it off. I learned a lot in panama. I learned to be on the ground. Stand up. I slept in a real bed. I have been in hospital beds for 3-1/2 months. I uneven transferred into a minivan. Piece of cake. I was a car only guy.lol it felt really good to get into that van. it was high up I just hopped right into it. I got my last umbilical cord stem cell injection and IV on friday. I felt fine all night. PT was great on Friday. I don't have the fear anymore of falling or getting out of the chair. We got under the smith machine. Stood up and the trainer pulled my chair out and slid an exercise ball under me. I sat down on it. My PT sat in front held my knees and kept me balanced until I felt comfortable. I was like holy shit I'm gonna fall. Lol. Then that voice,"Chris you think I ever let you fall, come on now, try to relax." Lou Vina told me that it has been an honor working with me. I was speechless when she said that. I told her after stumbling over my tongue that it has been a honor to work with u. I will miss her. We have good chemistry. before I knew it I was floating on the ball while holding the bar on the smith machine. I had to hot dog it and go one handed.lol I Almost let em both off but I know I would of got plastered on the floor. Great workout. Was on that ball for bout a half hour balancing. I was sweating and my arms were exhausted. We even stood A few more times before we left. I got my own therapy game plan when I get home. I learned all kinds of aggressive therapy. Things that I would of never attempted. We all visited the Panama Canal on Saturday. Man I was in awe at the engineering and the size of those cargo ships. Just awesome. We all had dinner at a really nice restaraunt viewing a part of the canal. We had a good day. One more week of shots and therapy. Still praying for a miracle."
"Sat and Sunday were bad. I had a pain in my right side of my stomach. More of a discomfort than pain. Just made me miserable all day. Protocol the same all week IV and Intrathecal. Monday and Wednesday. Doctors said that patients have complained of that discomfort. So I guess I am fine. Wednesday night I had a terrible pain in my back. I showed my PT Lou Vina and she said it is my ribs. I know I broke a few ribs the day of my accident. She iced them down and I'm feeling better. I think my line of sensation is dropping a little. Nothing to get excited about yet. I need to feel something totally different to be for sure. But feeling those ribs could be something or maybe PT is just beating me up. Lol. I have been bummed out this week. I don't know why. Struggling to get out of bed. Jen and I struggled a little all week. People do not realize behind the scenes what someone in a wheelchair goes through. So much care. I know Jen gets worn out and frustrated. Constant maintenance. It's hard. It's gonna take time to figure all this out. I need constant reminders that I should be thankful that I am as mobile as I am. I met a kid from Philly. He's a quadriplegic. Swimming accident he's 21. He smiles all the time and he can barely move his arms. I pat him on the shoulder and tell him good luck every time I see him. He's flying out this weekend.
Another woman from the states was shot by her husband. She's a quad too. Bullet hit her spinal cord. Unbelievable. So sad. She has a five year old daughter. I heard she picked up her arm for the first time since her accident. We were so pleased to hear that news. I take a step back and take inventory when I see people worse off than my injury.. I admire their courage. I hope they get the progress they came to panama for. My life is hard. Their lives require more care and are harder than mine. I think when that tree collapsed if I was a little slower I could of been killed or had a worse injury. Both of these people are here with friends and neighbors to care for them. Not even family. God bless those people. Free ticket to heaven even if they never step foot in a church ever again.
I look around at my situation and think of the friends and family I have and I am a lucky man. I am truly blessed. I won't ever take that for granted. Went to the mall. It is about 5 times bigger than any mall back home. It's funny all these stores. Reebok, Nike, Mcdonalds, Under Armor. Jennifer Lopez blasting through out these places. Restaurants we eat at got English all over the menu. Chicken,steak, fish. Iced tea, beer. English period. Tell the cashier you want a Big Mac and she is lost in the sauce. Looks at you like your crazy. It's funny. I ordered a chicken pita at this place. The menu says chicken pita. I just said what the menu said. She was lost. I had to pull the menu out and point. Seriously. Jen had a ball at the mall. Mostly everything costs less than back home. I needed to get out of that place. Too many people. Thousands of people everywhere. Like cattle running wild. I just wanted to ditch the chair and walk around. Frustrating. Felt like every eye was on me. Took a trip to the casino. Just pushed around a while. I was just bummed. I wanted to walk around. Play some slots. Have a beer or two. Relax and enjoy life. I haven't had a sip of alcohol since my accident. I don't even want it. I didn't drink much up to getting hurt anyways. We all played in that alumni football game together. It was a great experience. Competed a year ago at the Arnold Classic. I got everything out of my system. I was just switching gears when this happened to me. I was finally slowing down. I played hard for years. I was finally content with everything jen and I made around us. I was at peace in my life. Not too Many people can say that and mean it. I was gonna maybe get a boat. Take the boys fishing. Buy a little camp or trailer on a lake. Spend weekends with jen and the boys. Just slow everything around me down. The boys are growing up fast. People tell me you can still do that. Yea I probably can. I don't want it that way. I feel like I got cut short in life. I hope in time everything changes for the better. I have been receiving umbilical cord injections and IV injections for 3 weeks. My last week will be my own bone marrow. They flood your system with your own stem cells. Im excited to get through this. I gotta continue hard therapy at home. I stood about 10 times at therapy. Filled an hour up of up and down. Felt good. One time I stood up so straight and tall. I forgot how tall I was. Men and women are short in panama. I felt like a giant. Im only 6'2". Jen just looked at me and cried. It's a balance point. Someone locking your knees. Someone locking your hips. And up you go. I'm gonna work on braces and a walker when I get home. I put a pic on Facebook. God it looked natural. My last time standing hurt a little in my back. I dropped my head and was catching my breath. My PT looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I told her that it takes a lot of energy to stand. She told me that I'm her boy. Her English is broken but understandable. She said "everything I tell u to do chris, u do. No questions. Be proud. Other patients cannot do what you do and they have been in chair for long time.". Nothing like a compliment to perk ya up.. Lol that voice of hers will ring forever in my head. Her wording too. She taught jen and frank how to get me on my feet. She said " no no no chris jennifer is too small to control your hips.". I looked at Lou Vina and said," trust me Jenny can do this, she's stronger than u think." you have to grab the back of my boxers and pull to get me up. Keep my hips in line while I'm up. I told my PT that all this is is a super wedgie where I'm from and jen can handle this. She said'"what is wedgie.". We laughed as I explained what a wedgie is. She just laughs at me. She has been putting a tens unit on my quads to get them to flex. Try to keep my muscle mass. The little pads won't stick to my legs. My legs are hairy. She told me to shave 2 squares on each leg. I thought she was joking. I didn't do it and the next day was hot for a second or two. I told her that I would look silly with four white shaved patches on my legs. She laughed it off. I learned a lot in panama. I learned to be on the ground. Stand up. I slept in a real bed. I have been in hospital beds for 3-1/2 months. I uneven transferred into a minivan. Piece of cake. I was a car only guy.lol it felt really good to get into that van. it was high up I just hopped right into it. I got my last umbilical cord stem cell injection and IV on friday. I felt fine all night. PT was great on Friday. I don't have the fear anymore of falling or getting out of the chair. We got under the smith machine. Stood up and the trainer pulled my chair out and slid an exercise ball under me. I sat down on it. My PT sat in front held my knees and kept me balanced until I felt comfortable. I was like holy shit I'm gonna fall. Lol. Then that voice,"Chris you think I ever let you fall, come on now, try to relax." Lou Vina told me that it has been an honor working with me. I was speechless when she said that. I told her after stumbling over my tongue that it has been a honor to work with u. I will miss her. We have good chemistry. before I knew it I was floating on the ball while holding the bar on the smith machine. I had to hot dog it and go one handed.lol I Almost let em both off but I know I would of got plastered on the floor. Great workout. Was on that ball for bout a half hour balancing. I was sweating and my arms were exhausted. We even stood A few more times before we left. I got my own therapy game plan when I get home. I learned all kinds of aggressive therapy. Things that I would of never attempted. We all visited the Panama Canal on Saturday. Man I was in awe at the engineering and the size of those cargo ships. Just awesome. We all had dinner at a really nice restaraunt viewing a part of the canal. We had a good day. One more week of shots and therapy. Still praying for a miracle."
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Reflections: July 4th, Panama
Chris writes:
Today is the 4th of July. My favorite holiday. Nothing better than lighting off illegal fireworks all night and having a few beers with the family. Not this year. Saturday was nice went to the Albrook mall. Enormous mall. Thousands of people.Twice the size of anything back home. And if your in a wheel chair who cares, just get out of their way. Handicap ramps are so steep someone's gotta push you up and there is no hand rail so you better drive straight or your going off the edge. Makes no sense. Sunday was horrible. Sick all day.
Today is the 4th of July. My favorite holiday. Nothing better than lighting off illegal fireworks all night and having a few beers with the family. Not this year. Saturday was nice went to the Albrook mall. Enormous mall. Thousands of people.Twice the size of anything back home. And if your in a wheel chair who cares, just get out of their way. Handicap ramps are so steep someone's gotta push you up and there is no hand rail so you better drive straight or your going off the edge. Makes no sense. Sunday was horrible. Sick all day.
Monday, July 4, 2011
MORE FROM CHRIS
I just opened my email and found this from my brother this morning! Something befitting about finding it on Independence Day as it seems that my brother is fighting to do just that--claim his independence, get back to someplace. Remembering who he is, finding value and strength and courage in what matters most... I miss him. We all miss him. The fourth won't be the same without our Chris. But we are lifted by his humor, his tenacity, his desire to find the silver lining, to hold on tight to his wife and kids and to find laugh in love in all that he does. Panama has been such a blessing for Chris and Jen and the boys. It is giving them back the most important parts of themselves. It is helping them to rebuild and renew and learn how to begin again. We have all of you to thank for that... So, Chris writes...
"
Had a crazy week. We were having lunch on a patio at Los Cedros. Imagine that Lebanese food. It was very good but Jens family does it better back home. A car wrecked into a motorcycle right in front of us. We enjoyed listening to them flip out on each in Spanish. Motorcyclist down here are crazy. They squeeze in any hole between cars and that's how they get jacked up. We had a bad storm. It rained like crazy. I was on the way to the clinic to get my injections. Not good drainage here in the streets. The water in areas was over our bumper. We needed a boat. Lol. Cars were stranded and pulled over. But not my cab driver. He was laughing and talking. I was spitting Spanish out fluently back to him. Jen says they must have injected Spanish stem cells into me. It's freaking me out too. When we got to the clinic my cells weren't even there yet from the lab. A guy that speaks no English popped through the door soaking wet with a case of my cells from the lab. Same routine injections and IV. I got a headache later from the intrathecal. I'm doing good. I feel good. I have been wanting to do a pull up since I got injured. Finally it was our workout Wednesday. I wanted to feel the sensation of standing. I couldn't wait to do this. I did 6 pull ups. All the blood just dropped in my body to my feet and legs. Plus I had a pain in my middle back. I sat in my chair and got my breath. I told Lou Vina my PT that I used to do sets of 15 at one time before my accident. It just bummed me out that feeling when I pulled up. I looked at her and told her I wanna do more. Did 4 more pull ups, then 2. Damn I felt terrible after that. We went and did chest and triceps. I jumped out the chair to a weight bench. Tried to do dips. I have no core strength or balance. I couldn't do 1 rep. Dead weight. I got stuck on the floor. Trainers had to pick me up. I'm learning that you need so much of your body to make a simple movement. I was bummed by the fact that I couldnt do a dip. No control of my body. Before I left I did more pull ups. A couple sets. I pulled until I was close to passing out. Just wanted to feel like I was standing. It hurt like hell but I just wanted to stand. Made me realize I need more than legs to walk. That evening after PT and the injections I was sitting on the couch. I felt so good for a moment. I felt like me more than ever. I was looking out the Window and just drifted away for a moment thinking about when my boys were babies. I used to hold them they would just drape their arms over me like little monkeys. They would put their face in my neck and I would just walk and wear the carpet out back and forth. Back and forth till they fall asleep. Mostly Christopher. Brady once in a blue moon. Even up to my accident I would hold Christopher like that. That thought keeps me awake at night. It haunts me in the middle of the night. I sometimes cry at night bout that thought. That is my fuel. It's like rocket fuel. When I wanna quit I think of this and I work like a maniac. It gives me the drive cause I wanna Stand up and hold them the right way. It just feels better than giving them a hug from the wheelchair. I was thinking bout all this and a few minutes later I went to stand up. I completely for a split second forgot about being paralyzed. That never happened to me before. We will do whatever we need to do with these treatments: whatever happens happens. My legs are bouncing like crazy at times with spasms. At night when I try to transfer to the shower I put my foot on the floor. It retracts itself back to the foot peg. It did it so methodically like I purposely did it. It did it three times. Jen and just laughed so hard when my foot was going back on it's own. Jen said" someone is afraid of their shower!!!" referring to my right leg. jenny is good for some one liners. I laughed so hard. When my feet get tickled my legs bounce all over the place. Jen tried to put a sock on me this morning and my leg kept pulling her onto the bed. It's histerical. She bitches and says this leg is stubborn and plays tug of war with my right leg! Lol!!!I hope that's a good sign. We laugh so hard. Good medicine for tough times. We can handle anything now. We made it this far we can handle anything I tell her. I have more spasms than before. I hope that's a good thing. Gotta go for now! Talk to you soon!"
Addendum: Another message from Chris sent Friday! Keep reading!!
"Thursday Jen and Frank invited a mother and her two daughters over for dinner. They are from California. The husband had to fly back for work so they were on their own for two more weeks. My wife's family is very generous. They always wanna cook for the world. Tanya and Jen cooked a huge meal for all of us. The family From California brought a friend. We even invited the cab driver Pedro up for dinner. After some conversation the mother said that this reminded her of the movie my big fat Greek wedding. I spoke up and said that is exactly how they are. We all laughed and had a great time. We met them at the clinic. The one daughter is here with SCI. She was like 15 I think when she was injured. How heart breaking to be that young. She is so upbeat and happy and goes to college. Such a great family. Frank and jen even bought a cake for the cab driver. It was his birthday yesterday. We sang happy birthday to him In Spanish. He just smiled ear to ear. Such a good person. Our guests were just overwhelmed with all the generosity. I laid in bed that night not thinking about myself. I thought of all the lives we touched. They all thanked us many times before they left. If someone would of told me March 2cnd that I would be in Panama City, Panama, having dinner with Pedro and a family from California ..."
"
Had a crazy week. We were having lunch on a patio at Los Cedros. Imagine that Lebanese food. It was very good but Jens family does it better back home. A car wrecked into a motorcycle right in front of us. We enjoyed listening to them flip out on each in Spanish. Motorcyclist down here are crazy. They squeeze in any hole between cars and that's how they get jacked up. We had a bad storm. It rained like crazy. I was on the way to the clinic to get my injections. Not good drainage here in the streets. The water in areas was over our bumper. We needed a boat. Lol. Cars were stranded and pulled over. But not my cab driver. He was laughing and talking. I was spitting Spanish out fluently back to him. Jen says they must have injected Spanish stem cells into me. It's freaking me out too. When we got to the clinic my cells weren't even there yet from the lab. A guy that speaks no English popped through the door soaking wet with a case of my cells from the lab. Same routine injections and IV. I got a headache later from the intrathecal. I'm doing good. I feel good. I have been wanting to do a pull up since I got injured. Finally it was our workout Wednesday. I wanted to feel the sensation of standing. I couldn't wait to do this. I did 6 pull ups. All the blood just dropped in my body to my feet and legs. Plus I had a pain in my middle back. I sat in my chair and got my breath. I told Lou Vina my PT that I used to do sets of 15 at one time before my accident. It just bummed me out that feeling when I pulled up. I looked at her and told her I wanna do more. Did 4 more pull ups, then 2. Damn I felt terrible after that. We went and did chest and triceps. I jumped out the chair to a weight bench. Tried to do dips. I have no core strength or balance. I couldn't do 1 rep. Dead weight. I got stuck on the floor. Trainers had to pick me up. I'm learning that you need so much of your body to make a simple movement. I was bummed by the fact that I couldnt do a dip. No control of my body. Before I left I did more pull ups. A couple sets. I pulled until I was close to passing out. Just wanted to feel like I was standing. It hurt like hell but I just wanted to stand. Made me realize I need more than legs to walk. That evening after PT and the injections I was sitting on the couch. I felt so good for a moment. I felt like me more than ever. I was looking out the Window and just drifted away for a moment thinking about when my boys were babies. I used to hold them they would just drape their arms over me like little monkeys. They would put their face in my neck and I would just walk and wear the carpet out back and forth. Back and forth till they fall asleep. Mostly Christopher. Brady once in a blue moon. Even up to my accident I would hold Christopher like that. That thought keeps me awake at night. It haunts me in the middle of the night. I sometimes cry at night bout that thought. That is my fuel. It's like rocket fuel. When I wanna quit I think of this and I work like a maniac. It gives me the drive cause I wanna Stand up and hold them the right way. It just feels better than giving them a hug from the wheelchair. I was thinking bout all this and a few minutes later I went to stand up. I completely for a split second forgot about being paralyzed. That never happened to me before. We will do whatever we need to do with these treatments: whatever happens happens. My legs are bouncing like crazy at times with spasms. At night when I try to transfer to the shower I put my foot on the floor. It retracts itself back to the foot peg. It did it so methodically like I purposely did it. It did it three times. Jen and just laughed so hard when my foot was going back on it's own. Jen said" someone is afraid of their shower!!!" referring to my right leg. jenny is good for some one liners. I laughed so hard. When my feet get tickled my legs bounce all over the place. Jen tried to put a sock on me this morning and my leg kept pulling her onto the bed. It's histerical. She bitches and says this leg is stubborn and plays tug of war with my right leg! Lol!!!I hope that's a good sign. We laugh so hard. Good medicine for tough times. We can handle anything now. We made it this far we can handle anything I tell her. I have more spasms than before. I hope that's a good thing. Gotta go for now! Talk to you soon!"
Addendum: Another message from Chris sent Friday! Keep reading!!
"Thursday Jen and Frank invited a mother and her two daughters over for dinner. They are from California. The husband had to fly back for work so they were on their own for two more weeks. My wife's family is very generous. They always wanna cook for the world. Tanya and Jen cooked a huge meal for all of us. The family From California brought a friend. We even invited the cab driver Pedro up for dinner. After some conversation the mother said that this reminded her of the movie my big fat Greek wedding. I spoke up and said that is exactly how they are. We all laughed and had a great time. We met them at the clinic. The one daughter is here with SCI. She was like 15 I think when she was injured. How heart breaking to be that young. She is so upbeat and happy and goes to college. Such a great family. Frank and jen even bought a cake for the cab driver. It was his birthday yesterday. We sang happy birthday to him In Spanish. He just smiled ear to ear. Such a good person. Our guests were just overwhelmed with all the generosity. I laid in bed that night not thinking about myself. I thought of all the lives we touched. They all thanked us many times before they left. If someone would of told me March 2cnd that I would be in Panama City, Panama, having dinner with Pedro and a family from California ..."
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Panama: Weekend #2 by CHRIS
Chris sent this to me yesterday. You will all be as entertained, hopeful, inspired, and deeply moved, as I was. Keep fighting the fight Chris, my brother, my hero.
"Just catching up. Saturday we just sat around went to the pool with the kids the weather was beautiful. Frank and I left the pool early went back to the condo. Drank about 50 iced teas together. Poor Tanya is gonna have to start brewing in the bathtub.lol Braden bought a tablet that waiters Use to take someone's food or drink order. He waits on us and fills our ice teas. Brady charges a penny a glass of tea. He is so entertaining. Sunday frank and I were sitting around the condo doing nothing. We decided to go on an adventure. I know I said I wouldn't hit the streets but we did. Down hills, up hills, over curbs. I need 4 wheel drive on that chair.lol we made it to a bagel shop. You wouldn't believe how jacked up all the sidewalks and streets are here. Nothing is handicap accessible. It was a great workout for me. Frank looked a little spent. Lol he had sweat pouring off his face after pushing me up the last hill to the condo. It felt good to do that. I felt good. Today I woke up feeling crappy. Struggled through physical therapy. Lou vina had me transfer to a round punching bag and balance for an hour. Arm movements and exercises and the key is not to fall off. She tells me to do something and I tell her,"I can't I'm gonna fall." now I just say the hell with it and just do it. I trust her. The thing with a SCI is you never know how your gonna feel when you wake up. Some days you feel drained and can't get moving. You just feel sick. Today was that day. I struggled to get through the day. Got my intrathecal injection bout 2 o'clock also today. I wasn't as nervous this time. I think i was the first time just because of the anticipation. Jen and frank waited in the waiting area. As soon as I came out after the injection I told Jen I felt like a fist in my lower back. Not real hard just a slight sensation. Dr. Paz told Jen and I that my bone marrow procedure went very well. He also told us that they got a good draw of adult stem cells from me. Thanks to being young and in good health he told us. Hes gonna give us the results on paper. It lifted my spirits instantly. All it takes is some good news to change your mood. I just keep on trucking and hope for the best. Sometimes I have moments where the reality of my life hits me and I panic for a few minutes. Feelings about being trapped in this chair for life. The feelings don't stay long. I'm pretty upbeat. I try sometimes just to stand up for hours or even move my legs. Sometimes my leg twitches when i think about moving it. It's just delayed. I just try to move what can't move. Feel like I'm a Jedi trying to use the force.Lol Just some random thoughts. I just keep telling myself Someone has always got it worse. No side effects tonight. Hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling better."
"Just catching up. Saturday we just sat around went to the pool with the kids the weather was beautiful. Frank and I left the pool early went back to the condo. Drank about 50 iced teas together. Poor Tanya is gonna have to start brewing in the bathtub.lol Braden bought a tablet that waiters Use to take someone's food or drink order. He waits on us and fills our ice teas. Brady charges a penny a glass of tea. He is so entertaining. Sunday frank and I were sitting around the condo doing nothing. We decided to go on an adventure. I know I said I wouldn't hit the streets but we did. Down hills, up hills, over curbs. I need 4 wheel drive on that chair.lol we made it to a bagel shop. You wouldn't believe how jacked up all the sidewalks and streets are here. Nothing is handicap accessible. It was a great workout for me. Frank looked a little spent. Lol he had sweat pouring off his face after pushing me up the last hill to the condo. It felt good to do that. I felt good. Today I woke up feeling crappy. Struggled through physical therapy. Lou vina had me transfer to a round punching bag and balance for an hour. Arm movements and exercises and the key is not to fall off. She tells me to do something and I tell her,"I can't I'm gonna fall." now I just say the hell with it and just do it. I trust her. The thing with a SCI is you never know how your gonna feel when you wake up. Some days you feel drained and can't get moving. You just feel sick. Today was that day. I struggled to get through the day. Got my intrathecal injection bout 2 o'clock also today. I wasn't as nervous this time. I think i was the first time just because of the anticipation. Jen and frank waited in the waiting area. As soon as I came out after the injection I told Jen I felt like a fist in my lower back. Not real hard just a slight sensation. Dr. Paz told Jen and I that my bone marrow procedure went very well. He also told us that they got a good draw of adult stem cells from me. Thanks to being young and in good health he told us. Hes gonna give us the results on paper. It lifted my spirits instantly. All it takes is some good news to change your mood. I just keep on trucking and hope for the best. Sometimes I have moments where the reality of my life hits me and I panic for a few minutes. Feelings about being trapped in this chair for life. The feelings don't stay long. I'm pretty upbeat. I try sometimes just to stand up for hours or even move my legs. Sometimes my leg twitches when i think about moving it. It's just delayed. I just try to move what can't move. Feel like I'm a Jedi trying to use the force.Lol Just some random thoughts. I just keep telling myself Someone has always got it worse. No side effects tonight. Hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling better."
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